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Family Friend

from Silent Reply by Kevin Dorff

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lyrics

Bucky rubs her buckeyes
Didn't realize it was after midnight
Cigarettes and Diet Pepsis
Red wine and nineties comedies
House is mostly clean
And otherwise unoccupied

Up the steps is the bedroom
Right across from the playroom
Puzzles missing half their pieces
Good enough for kids' caprices
Count to fifty 'cause you're younger than me
And don't you freaking peek

Bucky was a family friend
A frequent host to our contentment
Me and Brother sitting in the den
While parents shout about the 43rd president
Little Sister is out cold on the couch again

Caught on cobwebs in your shed
I thought of seeing friends but did your yard work instead
For five bucks an hour and unlimited Fresca
Holy cow it's hot, I sure could use a Fresca
These afternoons are deadly humid
Why else would you hire a kid?

I trip on piles of twigs
And other things that have died
Inside your cloud of supposing
Mourning that happens at night

I must've thought if I could make you laugh
I could save myself from hating myself
I bore myself out of your gaze
I made a personality to fit your praise
I stayed up late on school nights
Vainly hoping you'd remain

Cancer came back with a culture grip
I had just returned from Philly with an internship
They'd moved your bed into the dining room
Off the sun room that you never used
And I knew I couldn't really feel confused
But I couldn't make it real

Mom and Dad drove out to Colorado
Given circumstances that foreshadow:
I was playing Death in a school production
Of an Appalachian adaptation
Of a cherished early work by Ibsen
The writing was on the wall

I guess it's not a surprise
Easy to characterize
Nothing some doctor and I
Can't intellectualize
In case that anyone tries
To pry a tear from my eye
I got this pretty disguise
Nobody's business but mine
The way I pray for a sign
For everything to align
A light to read every word by
A kind of silent reply
For when the truth doesn't satisfy
I need an endless supply
Someone to live in my life

What if I learned nothing
Measuring the silence
Holding onto blue
Holding onto you
Stuck below the surface
A swimming pool of shit
I thought that I could drain it
But I couldn't even contain it
The rain rolled in and made a big old mess
There's nothing I can't swallow,
If given enough drink
There's no one I won't follow,
If it means I don't have to think anymore
I'll close the door on closure
Cover every mirror
Disappear what might've been
Disappear what was

credits

from Silent Reply, track released September 16, 2022

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Kevin Dorff Brooklyn, New York

Kevin Dorff is a songwriter and playwright from Des Moines, IA. His debut record, “Silent Reply” considers the ways people we have known live in us beyond death. Inspired by the novels of Rachel Cusk, the paintings of Alice Neel, and the lyricism of songwriters like Craig Finn and David Berman, Silent Reply is a series of elegies steeped in 90s indie and folk rock. ... more

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